How to Pray for Someone When You Don’t Know What to Say

The text arrives at 9:40 at night. Mom’s in the ER. Can you pray?

You type “Of course. Praying.” And then you sit there, a little ashamed, because you don’t know what you’re supposed to say. You don’t know what to ask for. You’re not sure what’s allowed.

Most of us freeze here. We worry that we’ll say the wrong thing, or that prayer is supposed to be eloquent, or that we have to know how it turns out. So we say “thoughts and prayers” and move on, or we say nothing and feel guilty.

There’s a better way, and it’s much simpler than the freeze makes it feel.

You Aren’t Starting the Prayer

Here’s the first thing that helps. When you pray for someone, you’re not opening a line to a distant God and trying to make a case. You’re joining a prayer that’s already going.

Scripture says Christ “always lives to make intercession” for those who draw near to God (Heb. 7:25). Paul says he is at the right hand of God, “interceding for us” (Rom. 8:34), and that when we don’t know what to pray, the Spirit helps us in our weakness and intercedes “with groanings too deep for words” (Rom. 8:26). Jesus told Peter, before Peter had failed, “I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail” (Luke 22:32).

So the person you love is already being prayed for by the best intercessor there is. Your prayer doesn’t have to carry the weight. Christ is already interceding, and the Spirit is helping you even when you don’t have words. You get to bring your care for this particular person to the God who already knows and loves them.

You’re not starting the prayer. You’re joining it.

Say the Name

The simplest form of intercession is to name the person.

In the Old Testament, the high priest wore the names of the tribes of Israel over his heart when he entered the Holy Place (Ex. 28:29). He carried the people before God. It’s a beautiful picture of what Christ, our great high priest, does for us. And when we pray for someone, we get to bring their name before God, too.

“Lord, this is Karen. She’s in the ER tonight.” That’s a whole prayer. You don’t have to explain her to God. You don’t have to say what’s wrong, or what you want, or how you hope it turns out. You bring her to him on your heart.

If you can add three words, add them: Help her. Be there. Or: Have mercy. Or just: Please.

If you really don’t know what to say, start here:

Lord Jesus, you know what Susan is facing tonight. Please be close to her. Give her the help she needs, strength for what comes next, and people who will care for her. Hold her in your mercy. Amen.

Borrow the Words

If you want more than that, use words the church has prayed for centuries. The Lord’s Prayer fits nearly every situation. Pray it slowly, and when you get to “give us this day our daily bread” or “deliver us from evil,” think of the person. You can make the whole prayer about them without changing a syllable.

A psalm will do it too. Psalm 23 for someone facing the dark. Psalm 121 for someone traveling. Psalm 13 when you’re wondering how long things can go on. Psalm 130, “Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord,” for someone in a pit. I put some of these together in When Your Own Words Have Run Out, a free printable. It’s a small set of prayers for the moments when you can’t come up with your own.

If prayer itself feels hard for you right now, that’s not a disqualification. I wrote about that in When Prayer Has Stopped Working.

Pray With, Not Just For

If you’re in the room, ask. “Can I pray with you?” Sometimes the answer is no, and that’s all right. Sometimes it’s a quiet yes. Either way, you’ve respected the person enough to ask. Praying aloud isn’t the only way, either. A familiar prayer said together, or simply sitting with them, can mean as much.

Keep it short. Two or three sentences is plenty. Say their name. Say the thing that’s true, in plain words: Lord, she’s scared. Be close to her tonight. Hold their hand if it’s welcome. Then say amen and stop.

Resist the temptation to fill the silence. A long prayer can turn into a speech to the person lying in the bed, sneaking in advice, theology, or a verdict. Prayer isn’t a way to tell someone what’s wrong with them, or what they should have done, or what God is probably teaching them. It’s a way to hand them to God. People who are hurting can tell the difference.

What Not to Say

Careful here, because some well-meant phrases do harm.

Don’t promise outcomes. “God is going to heal you” is a promise you don’t get to make, and if it doesn’t happen, the person is left carrying a failed prayer along with their grief. But you can ask God to heal someone. You can ask boldly. “Lord, please heal her” is a faithful petition. What you can’t do is promise an outcome God hasn’t promised.

Don’t explain the suffering. “Everything happens for a reason.” “God needed another angel.” “He won’t give you more than you can handle.” None of those is a promise Scripture makes, and all of them make the person feel they’ve got a theology problem on top of their trouble.

Job’s friends are the model of how this goes. When they heard what had happened, they came and sat with him on the ground for seven days and seven nights, and “no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great” (Job 2:13). That was the best thing they did. It was only when they started talking that they got it wrong.

Sometimes the best prayer is the one that doesn’t try to explain.

Carry Them

Paul says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2). Earlier he says to “weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15). Prayer is one of the ways we do that, whether we’re sitting beside someone or separated by miles. And sometimes the same love that moves us to pray also moves us to bring dinner, offer a ride, or simply stay.

There’s a story in Mark about four men who carried a paralyzed friend to Jesus. When the crowd blocked the door, they climbed up and tore a hole in the roof and lowered him down. And Mark says, “when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, ‘Son, your sins are forgiven'” (Mark 2:5). Notice who did the carrying. The man couldn’t get to Jesus by himself, so his friends brought him. And when Jesus saw their faith, he spoke forgiveness to the man on the mat, and then he healed him. Mark doesn’t tell us everything about the man’s own faith or what he was thinking. But he does show us the faith of people who refused to leave their friend alone.

That’s what praying for someone looks like at its simplest. It’s helping carry them to Jesus when the burden has become too heavy to carry alone.

One More Thing

And sometimes, tell them you did it. A text works: “I prayed for you this morning.” Or: “I said your name tonight.” It costs nothing, and for someone in the middle of something hard, it can mean a lot to know they were carried.

Then do it again tomorrow. You don’t have to say much. Just say their name.

You don’t need the right words. You can bring their name to the one who’s already carrying them.